Learning to Love and Be Loved

With tears coursing down her face she blurted out, “I feel as if I have a sign written on my forehead announcing for all to see, ‘Fool, take advantage of!’ Time after time at the first sign of any romantic interest I rush in giving commitment only to be used and discarded like a soiled old rag.”

Deep in the soul of everyone is a deep desire for love and affection which we seek to satisfy often to our own hurt. Human beings were designed for intimacy and sharing. God, at creation announced that “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18) and then provided for that need by creating woman. This need for love and intimacy is indispensable for our personal and emotional health and wellbeing because humankind was designed for love and companionship. Knowledge of how to give love and to receive love however is not inherently intuitive; it is something that we have to be taught to do.

Newborn babies need constant soothing touch and affection to grow and thrive to become healthy children. Fredrick II, a 13th century ruler of Sicily and master of languages believed that all babies were born with an innate knowledge of an ancient language, which they would begin to use as soon as they were old enough.

To test this hypothesis Fredrick conducted an experiment. A group of foster mothers were put in charge of a number of newborn babies. They were given the instructions to care for the babies in silence, “never to speak to them or allow them to hear human sounds.” When at last they spoke it would reveal the true natural language they had inherited, since nothing could be attributed to their upbringing, he thought.

The historical records said that “He laboured in vain, because the children all died, for they could not live without the petting and joyful faces and loving words of their foster mothers.” Gardner (1972) of Syracuse Upstate Medical Centre reported on an intensive study of six “thin dwarfs” - children who were underweight, short and showed retarded skeletal development. All of these children came from family environments marked by emotional detachment and a lack of the normal affectionate bonds between parents and children. When the children were taken out of this emotionally deprived atmosphere they gained weight and began to grow again but when returned to their emotionally deprived environment reverted to the situation of stunted growth. Extended exposure to such deprivation in early life leaves a permanent mark on a child’s body size, intellect and personality. These and numerous other studies show conclusively that “an absence of normal mother-child interaction was an actual privation which may result in biological as well as psychological damage to the infant.”

It is now clear however that physical contact and emotional affirmation is not just important for the welfare of children but is also crucially beneficial for the welfare of adults too. Physical contact, love and emotional affirmation are indispensable for the maintenance of physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Studies have shown that physical touch can reduce stress, relieve pain and increase the ability to cope with the challenges of daily life. Physical touch is even one of the love languages.

Too often as families, we nurture our boys in ways that make them grow up to be emotionally inhibited and crippled adults who are afraid to be open and vulnerable in relationships. As a consequence, men are often incapable or unwilling to adequately meet the emotional needs of their families. In many cases, openness, intimacy and emotional vulnerability is restricted exclusively to the bedroom. Despite this inadequate socialisation, one can change for the better through personal awareness, loving mentoring and a desire to meet the needs of those we love.

Have you hugged someone today?

A loving and firm hug stimulates pressure receptors under the skin, which in turn sends messages to the brain slowing down the heart rate and blood pressure, creating a relaxed state. Physical contact even curbs the secretion of stress hormones such as cortisol, and also stimulates the release of serotonin, which counteracts pain. In a study at the University of North Carolina, researchers found that hugs increase the production of the "bonding" hormone oxytocin and also decreases the risk of heart disease (make sure you are hugging and bonding with the right person.) When couples hugged for 20 seconds, their levels of oxytocin, increased. Those in loving relationships had the highestlevels of increase; however, “the importance of oxytocin and its potentially cardio-protective effects may be greater for women."

The research suggests that warm contact such as hugs and hand-holding before the start of a rough day "could carry over and protect you throughout the day."

Benefits of Touch

The fact that God created human beings for intimacy and companionship is evidenced by countless studies showing that those who have friends are healthier, as well as people who are married.

"Hugging is an excellent tonic," said Dr. Harold Voth, senior psychiatrist at Menninger Foundation in Topeka, Kansas. "It has been shown scientifically that people who are mentally run-down and depressed are far more prone to sickness than those who are not. Hugging can lift depression, enabling the body's immune system to become tuned up. Hugging breathes new life into a tired body and makes you feel younger and more vibrant. In the home, daily hugging will strengthen relationships and significantly reduce friction."

Many people are unable to truly love or are not nurtured to know true love and rush into promiscuity or misguided relationships in a desperate search for true fulfilment, only to end up more emotionally damaged than ever. We learn about love by being loved, and we become confident to give love as we learn to receive love from significant others in our lives. Many of the inadequacies evident in society are due to the emotional damage suffered in infancy and youth. Studies have shown that animals and people who did not receive good parenting have a greater likelihood of becoming poor parents themselves. Let us model the unselfish love of Christ in all aspects of our lives whether at home or in the wider society.

“Children learn what they live, children live what they learn, teach them the way to love in your arms, and they will find love in the world.” (The Desiderata)